So, much to my dismay, one of my neighbors — specifically the one upstairs — found out that I’m a comedian. I feel like someone just walked into the Batcave. A friend of mine asked me why I wouldn’t want my neighbors to know that I’m a comedian, and let me be clear… I don’t have anything specifically against this neighbor. (Although they are noisy up there sometimes.) I just know from years of experience that when random, everyday people — like neighbors… or your local grocer… or the tellers at your bank… or the dude at the coffee shop that you regularly see when you go use the free wifi to write your hilarious yet socially scathing jokes — when they find out that you are a comedian it generally means three things start to happen…

1) They feel the need to say things like, “I want to come see you.” Which they usually don’t mean, but they know that it sounds good to say.  And I understand, because who really wants to go see stand-up comedy? Not me.

2) Every time they see you — say on the occasions that you are both walking into the building at the same time — they ask things like, “When’s your next show? And then you give them a handful of dates, they stare blankly at you and say, “I really want to see you.” Which means, “I still have no plans on seeing you, but I want you to know that in theory it sounds like a good idea.”

I’ve learned that in this scenario people think it’s rude if I just turn away from them and spit behind me, “Check my website.” as I shuffle into my apartment.

3) Over time — and this one is the WORST ONE — they start to look at you differently the longer they realize that you aren’t famous; therefore, you must not be that good at being a comedian. Admittedly, this one is kind of hard to recover from and necessitates entering and entering my building through the garage, climbing up the fire escape, and going into my apartment through the window. Read More…