Didja see Lebron’s new commercial?
Well Lebron, if you’re asking me — And clearly you are. Although, I don’t really care what you do one way or the other. But since you asked… — Lebron, I think you should just shut up, put your head down, and win as many championships as you can, as fast as you can. It’s just that simple. It’s called “The Kobe Bryant Principle.” This principle states that the heinousness of a person’s act is inversely related to the amount that they accomplish in the world after the original heinous act. In other words, in order for the masses of people to forgive forget Kobe’s sexual assault of a woman in Denver, apparently it required that Kobe win an NBA regular season MVP trophy AND two NBA championships. ANd now he’s back to his pre-Denver endorsement glory. All thing considered, I’d say things worked out pretty well for him. (Dammit. Where’s my sarcasm font?) For more information on this principle, see “Woods, Tiger.”
But unfortunately for you, Lebron, Kobe had an easier path to redemption than I think you’re gonna have. See, there are actually people out there who actually believe that Kobe didn’t do what he was accused of. (I’m not one of those people for the record.) But we all know that you did what you are being accused of… because you did it on ESPN!!! Not that you committed a crime… and not that I’m equating what you did with what Kobe did, or Michael Vick, or even Tiger, or (insert transgressive black athlete here), but I don’t have to tell you how seriously some people take sports in this country. See, YOU decided to leave Cleveland. (Totally understandable.) YOU decided to go to Miami with your two All-Star besties. (Seems a little carpetbaggery to me, but whatever.) And then YOU decided to announce your move to The Heat in an hour long infomercial entitled “The Decision.” (YUCK!) An infomercial that many of us decision-ed to watch because we (incorrectly) assumed that you must be about to do something AWESOME if you were gonna take an hour to do it. Even Michael Jordan was shocked by your brazen display of ego saying, “I thought I had a lot of ego, but DAMN! Lebron has a lot of ego! Now bring me another million dollars to gamble away and tell Scottie Pippen that I need a foot rub.”
So Lebron, stop acting like you are feeling oppressed by all the judgment. YOU DID THIS TO YOU! And as much as you left some money on the table to do it, YOU ARE STILL A MILLIONAIRE (on your way to a billionaire). ANNND you are incredibly rich and successful and doing what you love, during a time when the economy is so bad that many of the people who support you and your league can’t afford a ticket to come see you.
So until you win at least one NBA trophy, I say shut your Nike hole. Enjoy wintering in Miami and pass the ball to Dwayne Wade at the end of every game. Also, try to win at least two NBA championships your first year in Miami. See, if you won two NBA trophies THIS YEAR, I’d guarantee that we would all forgive and forget. I know two NBA championships in one year sounds impossible, but remember, you are King James. And we are all just your humble witlesses witnesses.
Lebron, I normally wouldn’t stick my nose into somebody else’s business… but you did ask me.
Also, you probably should have won the first game of the season.
The commercial is pretty cool though. Love that Barkley line.
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